Coming to Terms

Much has been fleeting thru my mind as of late. Most times I find myself in my study alone and thinking, dwelling mind you on my past. since Jai's arrival things in this unlife have been very different, down to the way I feel. There are times when I think the woman is attracted to me and in the same breath it feels like she wants to come after me with a machete. I knew her Gran, I knew that from the start there are some people in your life you never forget but details of that time in my life are fuzzy and I attribute that to hiding and the suppressing of feelings that my cold gangrel side has helped to maintain. Now some reason, my past haunts me and I think...no I know its becuz of Jai.

What I do remember is a small village, Rom villiage outside of St. Bruiec, France. Mother, Caresse and I swiftly returned to France after my fathers attempt at destroying us, his own mortal family. Some things, as with people you never forget and I will never forget the hatred I learned to savor at what my father had done, starting with his experiments on me. After his attempt at killing my twin we fled to St. Bruiec and it was there I met Jai's Gran. Like I said, not a whole lot of details but I can close my eyes and feel her essence surround me, this is what I sense at times when alone with Jai. My thoughts are that perhaps Jai is of my lineage. Could that be why her Gran sent her to me for answers? And if she is, was she sent to me for protection and guidance to walk the almost unknown path of the Were with me, forcing me to face yet another beast I must learn to control? Or perhaps Jai was sent to me so that I dont slip from humanity altogether. Surely I have been slipping with all of the death around me. Jai said her Gran told her that she was sent to me for answers...answers to what she didnt know and now I'm compelled to seek out those answers. I will attempt to face the Umbra again, the answers Jai and I seek must lie within it somewhere. I admitted to Kara last night that I was afraid of going back there, the kindred in me Im assuming. She said something interesting. She said she heard anyone seeing the mighty jaws of Fenris was blessed and that Fenris' scare might of been a test of the warrior Get in me. So I will return, face my fears and seek out my answers.

She also told me that she feared Caresse and I have picked up where her and I left off. Imagine that, ma Blu jealous of my twin. Oh, she wont admit that she is if ya asked her. But what Kara as most women don't understand is that I love my twin, always have, always will and that mortal bond we share has....I cant even say taints for it has a derogatory tone and I wouldnt want it any other way, but it affects my love relationships....well, besides my being a cold hearted, blood sucker. Kara has always known she would be special to me but like most women its not enough. I already sense Kara gone from me seeking out what she needs. It has nothing to do with love, I know she'll always love me and I will always love her in return but Im not enough for her and she knows with me she will always be second. My twin will always be first in my unlife. Anyone will have to deal with that. I know Kara says she's different and for the most part she pretty much is. We've had great times but I dont think we will ever capture them again and if we do, what a bonus! She also told me at one time that she could live with being second in my unlife. That certainly made her different but now I know that they were mere words to try and keep me close and she is not much different from any other woman in that respect. There was a time when that would have angered me but I cant say I blame her. Im perfectly content being alone...why? becuz Im truly never alone. Ma Blu deserves more than I am willing to offer but she knows if she ever needs me, I will always be there. What more can anyone ever really ask for?

Ok, that talisman is glowing again....